Just Look at the Bright Side!
Van Morrison’s 1979 song, “The Bright Side of the Road,” is one of my favorite songs. Its simple, happy lyrics and very upbeat, catchy tune make me want to dance as soon as I hear it.
Yet, there have been times when I’ve felt really crappy, and someone tried to cheer me up by saying “Just look at the bright side!” And then they gave me a lengthy explanation of their interpretation of the “bright side.”
I don’t know about you, but that technique has never cheered me up.
So, in spite of my love for Morrison’s song, when I started doing some research on positivity, and read about “benefit finding,” I was a little bit skeptical. While I’m definitely into positivity in theory, in reality, I don’t like being told, “Just cheer up.”
What is benefit finding? It’s a term psychologists use for the seemingly illogical phenomenon of experiencing something really awful (such as the loss of a loved one), but then realizing a positive outcome (Nolen-Hoeksema & Davis, 2002).
For example, if I break my leg, that’s an awful event that would prevent me from doing a lot of things, require the use of crutches or a scooter to get around, and maybe depend on others for a little bit of help. But it would also require me to slow down, relax more in my home, and maybe connect with family and friends when I ordinarily wouldn’t. Thus, I could “find the benefit” of this life event, and feel whatever positivity it brings.
Admittedly, finding the positivity in losing my husband of 38 ½ years was a bit of a challenge. The “bright side of the road” often seemed far, far away.
Yet, as I think back on the past six years since Tim died, I can recall lots of new things that I’ve done:
I’ve learned to fix a leaky pipe. (I never, in my previous life, even knew where most pipes were located.)
I’ve made hundreds of phone calls to hundreds of people at dozens of companies to take care of things such as insurance, credit cards, bank accounts, travel arrangements. (Tim made all our phone calls.)
I’ve balanced the checkbook. (You guessed it --- Tim did that, too.)
I’ve bought a bed, a refrigerator, a TV, and an oven. (It had been more than 20 years since I bought any of the above, and of course, back then, I did it with Tim’s opinion.)
I’ve learned to cook lots of delicious things I never tried before. (We went out to dinner an awful lot.)
I’ve learned to play pickleball and made several new and dear friends as a result. (I never in my life have played any kind of team sport.)
I’ve learned to play tennis. (Well, ok, sort of. I’m still working on it.)
All of these accomplishments may never have happened in my former life, which doesn’t mean that my former life wasn’t good. It just means that I’ve been forced to learn some things in order to adjust to my new reality, which, in turn, in many ways, have enriched my life.
Thus, I found the bright side of the road.
Suppose someone has something unsettling to tell you, and asks, “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” What’s your preference?
Art Markman, in his article titled, “Why Hearing Good News or Bad News First Really Matters,” tells us that hearing good news last can improve your mood, because the good news lingers in your mind. But he also reports that hearing bad news can be motivating, and can help you change behavior. Therefore, it may be best to hear bad news last, so you can focus on what is wrong and work to make things better.
Benefit finding might be like that.
I know that when my husband died, just about everything I heard was bad news. I realized that, while the good news about losing a spouse was being surrounded by friends and family who loved me and helped me get through it, the bad news was that I was still utterly on my own for the first time in nearly forty years, so I had to suck it up and do something about it. My book, Grab Life by the Bungees and 50+ Other Ways to Find Humor, Hope, and Happiness After Your Partner Has Died, shares some of the good things I discovered.
Benefit finding doesn’t mean that good things are going to fall in your lap and make everything magically better.
Benefit finding does mean that you’re going to have to endure something you didn’t want, didn’t ask for, and really didn’t deserve. But it also means you have the opportunity to figure out how to change your own perception of that event, and make things better for yourself.
And if you can do that, it means you’re going to be ok, after all.
References
Markman, A. (2014). Why hearing good news or bad news first really matters. Available from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/ulterior-motives/201406/why-hearing-good-news-or-bad-news-first-really-matters
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Davis, C. G. (2002). Positive responses to loss: Perceiving benefits and growth. In C. R. Snyder & S. J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 598–606). Oxford University Press.
