“Did I Hear That Right?” (Yes, Sometimes People Say Really Dumb Things)
Four days after my husband Tim died, I was standing about two feet away from his coffin in the funeral home, greeting people who came to pay respects.
A young man stepped forward and shook my hand, then said, “I’m sorry for your loss. And, who are you?”
I must admit, I was speechless. And thought to myself, now there’s an insensitive jerk. He certainly wasn’t winning any awards in the category of “I Can Comfort the Bereaved.”
He may have been a very nice person, and obviously cared enough to attend a funeral home visitation. I didn’t know him, either, and really didn’t have the mental fortitude to find out who he was.
But Tim knew lots and lots of people. The funeral home was packed. That line was long. Many people waited for over an hour to see the family.
So, it stands to reason that somebody was going to be less than thoughtful about the things they said. Somebody was going to say something less than intelligent, either because they were tired and cranky from standing in a long line, or simply because there were so many people there, so the chances of encountering stupidity increased.
Besides that, people just generally don’t know how to handle talking about death. Funeral homes tend to freak people out. So, I’ll give that guy some grace and assume that he didn’t intend to be rude. After all, he did care enough to show up.
Have you experienced something similar? You’ve probably also found that remarks and attitudes don’t stop once the funeral is over. It’s been six years for me, and I still grapple with things people say.
In my book, Grab Life by the Bungees and 50+ Other Ways to Find Humor, Hope, and Happiness After Your Partner Has Died, you’ll learn about dealing with these comments in Chapter Three. You’ll learn that using humor and positivity can make yourself stronger as you figure out what to do with remarks that can sting. In this chapter, I focus on how to manage your reaction to the insensitivity that surrounds death and grieving. You’ll read some suggestions that have worked for me, and maybe they’ll work for you, too.
For example, it might help to write things down. Writing is therapeutic to me. So, I wrote down the craziest lines that I heard. Seeing them in print helped me to look at the situation a little more objectively and see how funny they actually were.
Here’s one of my favorite lines from a short little gem of a book by Nora McInerny, a woman whose husband died: “I will confess right now that I do not love when people compare them losing their pet bird to me losing my husband, but then … I’ve never lost a bird” (p. 3).
One thing I’ve learned, though, is that sometimes you just gotta forgive and let go. Move away from that negativity. It would be nice if everyone said just the right thing and comforted you in just the right way. But not everyone can, just as not everyone can make good chicken soup … paint a beautiful picture … play the piano … fix the broken dishwasher … tell a good joke. You get the idea. We all have our talents. Unfortunately, comforting bereaving people is not one of them for most people. Death is the big human mystery that scares many of us and causes mumbling and stumbling over what to say.
So, what’s the worst that happens when people say stupid things? You’ve made it through the death of your partner. You can make it through the dumb things people say, and one day you might even laugh at it. Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies, in an interview, spoke of some advice he received from a friend: “When you’re going through hell, don’t stop to take pictures” (Thomas, 1996). I agree. It takes too much time and mental energy to linger over those insensitive comments. Just get the hell out of there.
And, if you ever attend a funeral home visitation and don’t know the identity of the person standing next to the coffin, don’t ask. Just offer your condolences and move on.
References
McInerny, N. (2019). The hot young widows club: Lessons on survival from the front lines of grief. New York: TED Books/Simon & Schuster.
Thomas, D. (1996, June 12). Cookie founder doles out advice. Omaha World-Herald. p. 43sf
