Got a Happy Moment? Stick with It if You Can!
For my birthday last year, I received a t-shirt that says: ANOTHER PERFECTLY GOOD DAY RUINED BY RESPONSIBILITY.
Responsibility aside, have you ever had a perfectly happy day ruined by thoughts in your head?
When my granddaughter Charlotte was three, her mother and I took her to a children’s festival, and she was on a delightful bungee jump experience, which made her laugh and shout with glee. Yet, during the middle of the ride, she began to wail.
“What’s wrong?” her mother and I asked. “Does something hurt? Are you okay?”
Between gulping sobs, Charlotte cried, “This ride is almost over, but I don’t want to get off! I want to keep riding on it!”
I get it.
Sometimes, the beauty of a sunset, or the fun of laughter with friends, or the joy of a holiday are cut short by the teary, nagging voice in my head, saying, “This ride is almost over! Soon it’ll all come back to me that my husband died, and I’ll feel that awful pain all over again.”
Because no matter what is going on in life, what matters most is what is going on in my head while life happens. Even the happiest of days can become fraught with worry, anxiety, or fear.
Looking back at milestone events in my life, I recall that some of them were, indeed, filled with worry or anxiety. And most of them had nothing to do with my husband’s untimely death. For example:
My wedding day was a beautiful day, but I was so nervous about everything I forgot to take my wallet with me when we left for our honeymoon. (It contained all the money we needed for our trip.)
Graduation from college was filled with worry about where my family would sit in the huge stadium that housed the commencement ceremony. (Would my grandmother be able to see and hear?)
On the days that my sons were born, I was thrilled to welcome them into the world. Yet I was consumed with the pain of childbirth and worry about my new responsibilities. (I guess I needed my t-shirt that day!)
After years as a faculty member, I retired, and that momentous occasion was almost a non-event, thanks to the pandemic. The university was shut down and I was saddened by the fact that I couldn’t say personal goodbyes. (I didn’t even get a chance to clean out my office until months later, and the calendar was still on March 2020.)
The births of two of my grandchildren were bittersweet. My husband was no longer around to take dozens of photos and be ecstatic with me. (When Abby was a baby, all she needed was a tiny pair of glasses to look just like her late grandfather. Staring at her adorable face would bring me to tears.)
Hey, it happens. As my granddaughter demonstrated, even the happiest times haven’t always felt like the happiest times, thanks to whatever was going on in my head.
In his book titled Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters, and How to Harness It (2021), psychologist Ethan Kross describes “chatter” as the inner voice that each of us has. We spend much time listening to that voice, but it’s mostly negative thoughts that we attend to, because the human brain is wired to pay most attention to threats to its well-being. So, sometimes, those events that are supposed to be the happiest days of our lives can become filled with mistakes, worry, anxiety, or fear, simply because negative thoughts take over. And instead of soaking it all in and enjoying those precious few opportunities to feel genuinely happy, just like Charlotte on her bungee ride, we allow the negative thoughts to take over.
I have learned that pure joy can happen in some of the most unexpected, unplanned, and even unlikely moments. Maybe it’s because there were no expectations of such moments. They just happened, yet they made me stop and wonder at how good they made me feel. Not to diminish those really important milestone days, I think of these moments first when I think of my life’s happiest times:
When I was 15, I bought my own bicycle, with money I had saved in a coffee can for more than a year.
I heard “I love you” for the first time.
While reading aloud to my grandchildren, I felt them snuggle close and heard them say, “Read it again, Gigi.”
As I walked out of the building on the last day of sixth-grade, my teacher told me, “Keep writing, Diane. You can do it!”
When we were first married, Tim and I went fly fishing in Colorado. I caught the only fish that day, holding the six-inch-long quivering trout proudly for a photo before letting it go. It’s the only fish I’ve ever caught in my life. That photo was still sitting on Tim’s desk the day he died.
And, this moment is the one I cherish most: Every time we sit around the dinner table, I look around and feel joy as I listen to my family talk and laugh.
In my book, Grab Life by the Bungees and 50+ Other Ways to Find Humor, Hope, and Happiness After Your Partner Has Died, Chapter 10 is called (appropriately enough) “Grabbing Life by the Bungees.” In this chapter I tell the story of how Charlotte’s tearful moment on the bungee ride taught me about finding ---- and keeping --- joyful moments. I offer some tips on staying with those good times when you get them. And the bungee ride doesn’t have to end.
Reference
Kross, E. (2021). Chatter: The voice in our head, why it matters, and how to harness it. New York: Crown.
