The Three Questions

Apr 11

One of my favorite children’s books is titled The Three Questions, written by Jon Muth (1991). It’s based on Leo Tolstoy’s parable of the same title, written in 1855. In Muth’s book, a young boy, Nikolai, seeks the answers to three questions:

What is the best time to do things?

Who is the most important one?

What is the right thing to do?

Your library might have this book; if not, you can find it at Barnes & Noble or Amazon. Read it to yourself first and then read it to a favorite child. Its delightful illustrations and lyrical style are mesmerizing. You might want to look up the original Tolstoy story, too. You can even catch Meryl Streep reading the book aloud on StorylineOnline.net. Check it out. She won an Emmy for her reading of the book, and it is absolutely melodic.

When you read the book, you’ll find these conclusions:

What is the best time to do things?
The little boy in the book realizes that the best time to do things is now.

As a result of my husband’s sudden death, I learned about the fragility of life. I’ve come to realize that I can’t wait to do things I’ve always wanted to do. I cannot leave anything unsaid. So, if there’s a chance to travel somewhere, or learn a new skill, or look at someone in the eye and tell them how important they are, I can’t let the opportunity slide. There is not always another chance.

A few years ago, I heard the news that a childhood friend of mine had cancer. She and I hadn’t spoken in years; our last encounter was not a pleasant one due to something stupid one of us said, which led to an argument. She moved to another state, got married, and we lost touch. But when I heard that she was ill, I realized the pettiness of our argument and sent her a note to tell her that I was thinking of her and wished her well. About a week later, I received a note from her husband, saying that my letter arrived the day after she died. I don’t know that my note would’ve made a difference in our friendship.

But because of my lack of timing, I’ll never know.

So, the best time to do things is now.

Who is the most important one?
The little boy in the book also found out that the most important person is the one you’re with.

After Tim died, I learned the importance of just sitting and being with someone who needs the quiet presence of someone who cares. A dear friend, Holly, called me one Saturday morning and I had difficulty talking because I was so paralyzed by grief. She said, “Hang on. I’ll be right there.” This statement is a little more complex than it seems because Holly lives about an hour and a half away. But she arrived a couple of hours later, bringing ingredients for lunch. She made lunch for me and just sat with me while I ate. I didn’t need conversation or advice or platitudes. After lunch, she drove home, another hour and a half. I just needed the presence of a friend. And Holly took several hours out of a busy Saturday to simply be with me as I struggled through a wave of grief. I’ve never forgotten her kindness. I certainly felt like the most important person that day, and it made a huge difference in moving forward.

Before they died, my parents lived in assisted living memory care for a few years. It was a difficult experience, watching them decline mentally and physically. Many times, when my sisters and I visited our parents, there was not much to do or say, but just to be present. We joked with our parents, each of us saying, “I’m your favorite daughter, right?” Even though she had diminishing cognitive abilities, Mom insisted that her favorite daughter was whoever she was with at the moment. (Dad said his favorite was whoever brought cookies.)

What is the right thing to do?
The little boy Nikolai learned that the right thing to do is to do good for the person you’re with.

After Tim died, I learned the power of thinking of people other than myself. I had read that practicing gratitude would help. Well, trust me, I wasn’t feeling all that grateful after losing my husband of almost 39 years, and I was slow to realize the value of such a practice.

But eventually I learned that if I spent some time lifting someone else up, then I forgot about my own troubles --- even if only for a little bit.

And it’s easier than I thought it would be. What are some ways to lift someone?

Say thank you.
Write a note to someone from your past, telling them the impact they made on you.
Slow down and find out what someone’s anger means.
When talking to a child, bend down to their level.
Offer to take an elderly person to lunch.
Do an errand for someone.
Leave a note that says, “I love you.”

My late husband used to say this all the time: “Doing the right thing is always the right thing.” The key is knowing what the right thing actually is. But I’ve found that it often presents itself, and all I have to

As Muth concludes in his children’s book that tells Tolstoy’s parable: “And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For these, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world. This is why we are here.”

Makes sense to me. Do good for the one you are with at the moment, and do it now, while you have the opportunity. This is truly why we are here.