What’s Your Story?
Recently, I read a column in the Wall Street Journal, titled “Small Talk, Big Revelations.” The author, Andy Kessler, explained the secret to engaging people in meaningful conversations, especially at gatherings such as family events or cocktail parties. He says that everyone has a story, but we rarely know the stories within others because we don’t know how to ask. Instead of merely asking about their work, their families, or their favorite football team, he suggested the “HILO” method. When in conversation with people, ask them about their “highs and lows.” Go for the extremes: What’s your greatest memory from growing up? What’s the worst job you ever had? What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten? What’s the worst flight you ever took?
This method of conversation gets the interesting stuff out of people—their stories.
And stories are what make us unique. Stories help us remember our pasts, our connections to other people, and our possibilities for the future.
Yes, everyone has a story.
I imagined being asked such “high-low” questions.
Conversationalist: What’s the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Me: That’s easy. My husband died.
But gee, nobody wants to hear that. That’s a guaranteed way to stop the conversation. Let’s try another one.
Conversationalist: What’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
Me: Hmmm, let me think. Got a few minutes? Let me scroll through the stories of my life and get back to you…
The second question is a little bit harder to answer, because humor is quite specific to one’s experiences, viewpoints, and tolerance. But the truth is, I have had lots of funny things happen to me, before and after my husband’s death, and I love to share such stories with others. In fact, I’d have to stop and think about it to pick out just one to share while engaging in conversation over spinach dip and cheese balls.
If you’ve lost your partner, you know that you have two sets of stories. You probably have stories for everything that happened before the death of your partner, and stories for everything that happened after the death of your partner. That moment when your life pivoted now defines your stories.
I’m willing to bet that funny things happened to you before your partner died. And believe it or not, funny things can still happen after you’ve experienced the trauma of losing your life partner. And those funny stories can help.
Four years ago, after Tim had been gone a little more than a year, I was at Easter brunch with my son and his family. My granddaughter Charlotte was about three years old. During the meal, a large Easter Bunny worked the crowd, stopping at each table, visiting with the children and giving their parents photo opportunities. This tall, furry, masked character was a little bit imposing to Charlotte, but she tolerated him well, and obliged when her mother took a photo of a her with the Easter Bunny. However, as soon as the photo was taken, she gestured to the character with a dismissing wave, and said, “You can hop along now!”
In the four years that have passed since that “hop along now” moment, I have told that story time and time again, and have shared a good laugh with many people about a three-year-old who dismissed the Easter Bunny. This story has become an “inside joke” with friends and family, and from that time on, whenever we’ve encountered a thorny issue or problem, we all just look at each other, and wave dismissively, saying, “That problem can hop along now.” (We sometimes said it about people who were problematic, as well!) Shared humor has helped us cope. The story provides a brief interlude, often during painful situations. The problem doesn’t go away, but it can be laughed at for a moment or two.
Likewise, humor can allow those who grieve the chance to take a break from that hard work, and experience a tiny dose of joy. Laughter allows for a bit of relief from the pain that the human brain must endure while grieving. As Janet Gibson, psychologist and author of Introduction to the Psychology of Humor, says, “Laughter in response to amusement is a healthy coping mechanism.”
I urge you to look for those funny moments, as fleeting as they might seem to be. Even though you’ve experienced great loss, your life can still have funny stories. And those funny stories can help get you through.
References
Gibson, J. (n.d.). The science of laughter and its physical, emotional, and cognitive Power. Retrieved Dec. 28, 2023 from Blue Zones
Kessler, A. (2023, December 18). Small talk, big revelations. The Wall Street Journal, p. A15.
