Chatter
Do you talk to yourself?
I do. And sometimes I even listen to myself. What I discover is not always pretty. Sometimes I find that my inner voice is not so pleasant.
Think about it.
When you wake up in the morning, what’s your first thought?
When you look in the mirror, what do you see (and think about) first?
When you are in a situation where you are surrounded by people you don’t know but must interact with, what thoughts are in your head?
When someone says something that is careless and unkind, what’s your first instinct?
If you’re like me, these situations don’t always lend themselves to positivity.
I wake up thinking, So here I am, facing a difficult day without my partner.
I look in the mirror at my 66-year-old face, and think, Another wrinkle? Where in the heck did that one come from?
I’m at an event or party and think, Ugh. I have nothing in common with these people. When can I escape and go home?
I hear someone’s careless and stupid remarks, and think, You’ve hurt my feelings, and now I’m having a rotten day.
These thoughts are clearly not the kind that make me smile. In fact, research tells us that negative thoughts like these lead to unhappiness and poor mental health. That’s not exactly what I need as I cope with the grief of losing my husband of 38 years and both of my parents in the space of six years.
In his book titled Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters, and How to Harness It (2021), psychologist Ethan Kross describes “chatter” as the inner voice that all of us have. We spend much time listening to that voice, but it’s mostly negative thoughts that we attend to, because the human brain is wired to pay attention to threats to its well-being. Kross explains the importance of shushing that negative voice, and how what you’re thinking about is a better indicator of your happiness than whatever it is that you’re actually doing.
So, now, as I continue to move forward into a life I never thought I would have (my husband’s sudden death changed a whole lot of things!), I consciously work on calming the negative talk in my brain. I’ve begun to realize that the thoughts we carry around in our heads are far more influential than anything anyone says aloud to us. What’s between my ears can make my day miserable or it can make me glad to be alive.
When I wake up, I try thinking of something pleasant, such as the giggles of my grandkids or the aroma of a good cup of coffee.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I say to myself, “Hey, nice smile!”
When I’m in a room full of people I cannot escape, I search for a friendly face and say something --- anything! (The weather always helps in these moments.)
And when someone makes a careless (and stupid) remark, I picture myself snatching that person’s power away from them as I take away their ability to ruin my day. (Or maybe a much more satisfying mental picture: I just envision putting duct tape over their mouth.)
How can you eliminate unhealthy chatter? Of course, it’s far easier said than done, because the most difficult person you live with is often yourself. I know that convincing myself of something is much more difficult than convincing someone else of anything. One of the steps Kross suggests is to use “distanced self-talk” by using your name and addressing yourself in third person. For example, here’s something I often said to myself when negativity kicked in: “Diane, you are powerful. So, get going! You can do that awful thing that you dread. Remember, the worst has already happened.”
Check out Ethan Kross’s book on self-talk. Your inner voice will be glad you did.
References
Kross, E. (2021). Chatter: The voice in our head, why it matters, and how to harness it. New York: Crown.
